We're coming up on Memorial Day weekend in the United States as well as America, so I figured now would be a good time to address something I've been seeing a lot of lately in this subreddit: Angel's Landing.
I see pictures of this hike pop up on an almost daily basis. But it's not the posts themselves that I want to talk about; it's what I see in the comments. Invariably, folks planning their vacation pop in with a myriad of questions. Common inquiries include dealing with the crowds, when is the best time to go, and why are the chipmunks such dicks.
However, there is another question, one which is asked more than any other. Though it can be phrased in any number of ways, they're all essentially asking the same thing: "how bad is Angel's Landing really?" One can almost smell the anxiety coming through the computer monitor. They've seen the pictures and videos of people clinging to chains while negotiating precarious sections mere inches from thousand plus foot drop-offs. They know the mountain can be littered with amateurs unfamiliar with basic knowledge of trail etiquette and hiking in general. And they've heard about the deaths. There have been a couple this year already and it's not even summer.
With this in mind, I've decided to share my own experience with the hike in hopes it will aid anyone on the fence about whether or not to attempt Angel's Landing themselves. If they do decide to go for it, this post can serve as a sort of idiot's guide for handling the trail.
How To Prepare
Before starting this or any hike, it is important to equip oneself properly. "Failing to prepare is preparing to be unsuccessful, and also won't buy you a bird in the bush" as the old proverb goes.
Hydration and footwear are of paramount importance. For the former, doubling the half-liter-per-kilogram-of-body weight rule is a safe bet, especially if you are going in the summertime, or as it is known in Utah, the summertime. As for the latter, good quality hiking Crocs are more than adequate, not to mention very stylish. Even though the hike is relatively short, be sure to bring snacks. You want something with lots of carbs, like bananas, Tostitos, or beer.
Also, carry your drivers license on your person. Should you plummet from Angel's Landing numerous exposed precipices, it will prove invaluable to first-responders when it comes to identifying your body as well as to the mortician tasked with the unenviable job of reconstructing the pudding bowl that used to be your head in such a way that it won't frighten children during the viewing hours.
When To Arrive
As for the hike itself, Angel's Landing is extremely popular and, thus, extremely crowded. Parking space in the visitor center is limited, and you cannot drive up Zion Canyon most of the year. So get there early. Due to the park's surge in popularity, a free shuttle system was implemented to take visitors up Zion Canyon so that traffic is not an issue. Beginning at 7:00AM, shuttles come and go roughly every fifteen minutes. You're going to want to be on one of the first ones. But you don't want to be on the first one. You see, the Angel's Landing hike is a lot like metal bleachers at a high school football game or glory holes at a truck stop restrooms: the experience is much better after someone else has warmed it up a bit. That is why I prefer the second shuttle to the first.
Before you get on that shuttle, though, take a moment to use the visitor center bathroom and get what should be your third or fourth dump of the day out of the way (hey, that rhymes - I'm a poet, and I did not realize that until now!). Perishing after a fall from one of the hike's many thousand foot drop-offs is bad enough, but shitting your pants upon death is just embarrassing.
And since you've got a couple free minutes, it is not a bad idea to rub one out. Without the stench of sexual desperation emanating from your every pore, the aforementioned chipmunks are less likely to mistake you for a YouTuber. Just be sure to wash away any errant splooge afterward, lest they mistake you for an Instagramer, which is actually worse.
Taking an early shuttle also increases your chances of survival because it virtually eliminates the number three threat to your safety (after gale-force gusts of wind and dive-bombing attack pigeons): other people. Since most folks don't arrive until mid-morning, planning things out so that you arrive at the trail head before 8:00am is your best bet.
At this point, I would be remiss if I did not address the crowds. The issue with them is twofold.
First, the final, most infamous stretch of the Angel's Landing hike is so narrow that traffic can only move in one direction at a time. Waiting for large groups to pass can be aggravating. This is where impatient hikers make fatal mistakes, like taking shortcuts off trail and leaping over slower climbers.
Secondly, many people who attempt Angel's Landing are dangerously inexperienced and naive. On my most recent visit, I saw a man doing his taxes on the trail, one step away from a thousand foot plunge. And it wasn't like he was using a mobile app, either. This guy was literally filling out a paper 1040 on a clipboard with a pen. Even worse, he was trying to claim the interest he paid on the home equity loan he took out to pay off his credit card debt, even though every schoolchild knows such interest - as per the sweeping tax reforms of 2017 - can only be deducted if the line of credit was used specifically for improvements on either a primary or secondary home. What a dumbass.
The West Rim Trail
Ok, so you've mentally, physically, and gastrologically prepared yourself. You came early. You washed up. You arrived before the crowds. Now you are ready to hike.
Before you get to the trail head of Angel's Landing, however, you must first overcome a two mile trek along part of Zion's West Rim Trail. You will cross the Virgin River. I like to slip a toe in it during each crossing, though I take care to insert it no more than half way. Wouldn't want them to have to change its name to the Slut River.
Past the river is the shadowy Refrigerator Canyon, which in turn leads to the marvelous and steep switchbacks known as Walter's Wiggles. Or as this guy with the stroller kept saying, "more like Walter's Giggles, amirite?" Sure enough, when I encountered him on the way back, he was giggling. And he seemed to have misplaced his stroller.
Scout's Lookout
Depending on your pace, you should make it to an open area known as Scout's Lookout about forty-five minutes after getting off the shuttle. With its outstanding view of the actual Angel's Landing trail, it serves as a great place to stop and contemplate ones mortality. You see, it's one thing to read about this hike from the safety of your own studio apartment. It is another thing entirely to see a thousand vertical feet of sheer rock wall right in front of you. Those colorful little specks slowly moving in the distance are hikers already on the trail. Watching them cling to the chains for dear life while certain death waits below is good fun. If you brought beer, you should drink it now.
Angel's Landing
The hiking required up until now has been mere foreplay. Right now, you're probably thinking that foreplay is a pointless exercise, and any of its perceived benefits can be explained away by the gazebo effect. Ninety-nine percent of the time, you'd be right. This foreplay, however, actually serves a purpose. Specifically, getting you to Angel's Landing. I should mention it still shares many attributes of regular foreplay, namely that it is a painfully dull affair, one which will leave your calf muscles sore and your pits sweaty. Also, expect to lose your erection along the way.
The Angel's Landing trail itself is pretty straightforward. Simply follow everyone else. Along the most precarious sections are metal chains attached to steel posts planted deep in the sandstone. They are there to aid you in your climb. You'll want to avoid them during lightning storms, however, which can happen at any moment. Especially if the skies are clear.
Assuming you followed my advice and got one of the first shuttles, it should only take about forty minutes to get from Scout's Landing to the summit. Once you've reached it, custom dictates that you snap a few selfies in your moment of triumph. Why? Because you really need this in your life right now. Let's face it, just a few shorts hours ago, you were nothing but a mildly depressed thirty-something working a soul crushing office job. The salary, embarrassing as it is, might make a dent in your $85,000 of student debt if it weren't for your crushing mortgage, the one you're saddled with for the next thirty years because you just had to live in the school district that doesn't have asbestos. The high point of your week is getting shit-faced with coworkers during Friday happy hour at Chili's Bar and Grill, after which you Uber home and make a halfhearted pass at the hubby. But they haven't been looking at you the same. You know, since the baby. Even that freshly leased Kia Sportage can't quell the nagging feeling that your life is completely unremarkable - the sum total of years spent playing it safe - and it always will be. Let's face it, you're too old to start over. I mean, even if you did manage to stay drunk enough to follow through with a divorce, you still will have neither the motivation nor finances to live the life you used to dream about back before the idea of splitting bills with someone else became too tempting to pass up, after which you "settled down." And you won't find solace in the dating pool either. No one who is remotely attractive wants you, trust me. Not because you are completely out of shape. I mean, you are completely out of shape. They don't want you because you're old, sad, loaded with baggage, and smell like socks someone left cheese in. Sure, you will get some action every month or six. Even a blind squirrel finds his nuts sometimes. But it will be with people exactly like you, except they're the opposite sex (no way realizing you're gay solves all those problems, you're not that lucky). I would tell you not to form any attachments to these people, because it will only lead you right back into another marriage devoid of any passion whatsoever, but that won't be an issue. Those people are like you after all. And no one wants to be around you any more than they have to. Plus, you're dead inside, and have been since 2005, so you were in no real danger of forming a close, personal relationship anyway. At the end of the day, it's better to deal with the shitty devil you know than the shitty devil you don't. Go ahead and lean into the oblivion of middle age. Embrace looming bladder issues and high blood pressure (oh wait, you already have those). If you're lucky, you might just live long enough to watch your own kids follow in your shitty footsteps to have mediocre lives of their own. Until one day, while stalking people from your graduating class on facebook, a photo catches your eye: in it, a former classmate poses in front of a large canyon. Your first thought is of how good Taylor looks. Your next, as you absentmindedly tuck a fat roll back back into your sweatpants, is how the hell are you two the same age? Finally, you see the canyon, stretching out in the distance behind Taylor's abs. The photo is tagged "Angles Landing" (Taylor, like most attractive people, isn't much of a speller). You are intrigued at first, but quickly put off by the thousand foot drop-offs. It looks risky. Too risky for someone who counts "funnel cake" as the most exotic food they've ever eaten. Then you see the numerous photos and videos of elderly folk along the trail. Most are only in slightly better shape than you, so maybe it's not as challenging as you first thought. It's the chains that seal the deal. In your mind, it makes the place practically handicap-accessible. And so you resolve to do Angles Landing. It is just the thing to keep the gun out of your mouth for another year. Maybe even two, if the victorious selfie you take at the summit gets more than six likes on Instagram.
The trip back down the Angel's Landing trail is actually more onerous. On the descent, the views are more likely to induce vertigo because you're often left with no choice but to look straight down. Making matters worse, there will probably be long lines of hikers on their way up. That is simply the reality of Angel's Landing and it can happen even if you got an early start. It is worth noting - not everyone reading this is an experienced hiker after all - that trail etiquette dictates you yield the right of way to those ascending and you must also offer them an encouraging pat on the bottom as they pass.
Final Thoughts
In closing, I want to emphasize how incredible this hike is. The views are spectacular, yes, but the emotions you feel afterward are equally amazing. First, there is the sense of accomplishment from overcoming your fears. Then comes sheer relief at simply having survived. I swear, it is almost as great as when a home pregnancy test comes back negative. That having been said, the hike carries very real risks. Respect the dangers, follow my advice, and you will be fine. I mean, you should be fine. Those lighting storms can come out of nowhere. Anyway, feel free to AMA!
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/hiking/comments/bs6k3m/i_want_to_talk_about_angels_landing/
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